I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
You Might Also Like
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
This is the best one I’ve seen
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October