I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Ghost costume 😂
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet