I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
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I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Mornin. * use accordingly
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me