I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.