I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
the official breakfast of 2021
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
dutch so unserious
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.