I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
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BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
john wicks are toilet candles
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
very niche meme I made
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.