“Wanna hear a joke?”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
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*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Turn off autocorrect?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.