I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I have so many questions.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.