I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
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People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
reviewed some movies recently
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
@ candidates for local office
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money