*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow
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I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
[first day as a lion tamer]
Me: ok you need to settle down
Wife: “Happiness doesn’t come in boxes”
Me: *whispers to Cheez-Its “We leave at sundown.”