@Phook75

I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow

You Might Also Like

@summermaplewood

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

@ericsshadow

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

@themiltron

[the invention of knocking]

i’m gonna punch your house until you talk to me

@TheToxicWaster

I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..

@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

@KaylarWill

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

@lilgapeach30

Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.

@sween

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”