It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”