@Phook75

I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow

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@BriarSlyMadness

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

@Alex_N_Chains

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@Illuminati_Stop

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

@GreenishDuck

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

@KKBowls

“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.

@8goingon80

Wife: “Happiness doesn’t come in boxes”

Me: *whispers to Cheez-Its “We leave at sundown.”