I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow

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Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo


[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”


[the invention of knocking]

i’m gonna punch your house until you talk to me


I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..


Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.


Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.


“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”


It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus


Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.


When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”