I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon