I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

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Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall


ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*


In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.


Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”


Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.


Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.


We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.


I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min i come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.


Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?