i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
You Might Also Like
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
it be like that
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”