@SCbchbum

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

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@TinCanDan

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

@McCutty1

*Rains pennies from heaven*
*coins decimate the land
[terrified scream]
‘CHANGE IS IN THE AIR!’

@MomofTeen

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

@AudreyPorne

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@PleaseBeGneiss

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

@fro_vo

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said