i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

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*hands note

Boss: *reading* ‘Please excuse my son from’ Ridiculous! You’re working!

*thinking* I practiced my Mom’s signature for nothing


Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.


you are so much more than your diagnosis. bipolar disorder is something i have. i am NOT bipolar. my aunt is NOT lung cancer. lou gherig is NOT a good third example


what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??


Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.


date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss


I thought I’d lost my sense of taste for a few awful, spiraling minutes but it turns out I just accidentally put unsalted butter on my toast. My heart rate should return to normal maybe next year.


Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table