yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
*Rains pennies from heaven*
*coins decimate the land
‘CHANGE IS IN THE AIR!’
Before I accept a new job I always ask where my statue will be erected.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said