i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
*pronounces patio like ratio
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Batman v Dracula
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Wikigenius
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.