I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My brain is a bad influence on me
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?