I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Breaking news:
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.