[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

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He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.


Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.


Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna


July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*


6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?


[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*


so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription


Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.


Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking