[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The USS B port
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.