@WhaJoTalkinBout

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

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@DamonHunzeker

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

@ibid78

Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.

@TheIntComShow

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

@Quartzjixler

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

@tchrquotes

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

@AndrewChamings

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

@gIitering

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

@travisauruss

Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.

@robfee

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking