I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
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It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*