*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
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*visits random websites just for the cookies*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.