I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

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My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”


Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?


[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?






John: he’s right behind me isn’t he


My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”


I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.


The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.


My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.


If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.