@Tylerosis

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

You Might Also Like

@CommonSavant

*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*

@hamspamtymaam

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

@nigelgodwin

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

@comedianluke

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

@silvertongue37

My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems.

Apparently not far enough.

@papasuncle

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

@AndyAsAdjective

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

@FredTaming

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

@KimmyMonte

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?