I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator