I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
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ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The happy life.. 😊
There is no “we” in chocolate.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done