I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”