I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
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[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.