@purplefuzzygirl

I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.

Idiot.

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@dlockw21

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

@Shenaniglenns

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

@Vodkantots

When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”

Then walk away forever.

@roostermustache

Me: can i play music

Funeral director: that’s not appropriate

Me: nana would’ve wanted it

Director: ok

CD player: someBODY once told me

@sarahcpr

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

@GrandadJFreeman

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

@jake_lach

She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance

@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.