Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.