@MumInBits
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
@purplefuzzygirl
I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.
Idiot.
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@MumInBits
@JermHimselfish
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
@WheelTod
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
@delusions_of
[Julius Caesar being murdered]
“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”
@Jenny4ashley
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
@_Enanem_
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
@RobDenBleyker
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
@Inferno_V
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
@Schmoodles
I can never remember if it’s “laying” or “lying.”
Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he’s doing one of them in the middle of the road. 🙁
@einaregilsson
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…