@purplefuzzygirl

I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.

Idiot.

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@MumInBits

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

@JermHimselfish

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

@delusions_of

[Julius Caesar being murdered]

“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”

@_Enanem_

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

@Inferno_V

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

@Schmoodles

I can never remember if it’s “laying” or “lying.”

Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he’s doing one of them in the middle of the road. 🙁

@einaregilsson

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…