@MrAaronAbrams

I don’t get why I’m supposed to like someone who’s different in the streets and in the sheets sounds duplicitous just be a freak everywhere.

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@Home_Halfway

RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?

RACCOON: Yes

DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things

@Marcmywords2

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

@animaldrumss

me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

@antsimpson

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

@Robert_Beau

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

@Rollmaninoz

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

@shutupmikeginn

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

@samalmightysam

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.