maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.