I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Time heals everything 🙂
Match dot com, but for socks.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.