@Mirimade

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

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@ThisOneSayz

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

@joerogan

I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.

@aka_fatman

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

@butterwolf

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

@TheDairylandDon

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

@Jenny4ashley

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.