I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
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Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.