I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face