@OldUncleDaveO

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

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@SalaciousSully

Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada

@trevso_electric

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

@tazsme

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

@crunkdumpster

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

@Kulpie

Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried

@SteveSuckington

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

@goodballs

Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.

@RantingOwl

Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times

@skickwriter

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.