I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

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Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada


If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.


Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?


Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,


Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried


“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms


Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.


Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times


My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.