Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself
Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
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I need to get some bricks…
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Anime is real
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers