Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
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*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
What happens when you park like a douchbag.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”