@tastefactory

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

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@ParentEsq

Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.

@BriarSlyMadness

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

@softzenik

me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018

@vultural

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

@junejuly12

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

@man_spach

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

@WineMummy

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

@truegritrumble

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

@Parkerlawyer

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”