Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is