I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.