I don’t hate children, just yours.
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i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
This trial is so absurd 😭
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
this is the greatest thing ever
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
A friend helps you before you need it
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.