@mydmac

I don’t hate children, just yours.

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@Adam__Melia

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

@DadisGrumpy

My parents: *before my wife and I had kids* Hey. When are you having kids? When are you having kids? Whenareyouhavingkids? WHENAREYOUHAVINGKIDS?!?!?

*Fast forward*

My parents: *after I lightly complain that my kids don’t sleep well* Well you’re the ones who wanted kids.

@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@markhoppus

i appreciate the song “the boys are back in town” because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?

@LEBassett

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

@MomOnFire

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

@Ygrene

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

@iGreenMonk

Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.