I don’t hate children, just yours.
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364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.