I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.