I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
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Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what