Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
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Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Who.
Did.
This?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Best table by far
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.