I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

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GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that


Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.


When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.


He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.


Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*


Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.


“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God


My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.


[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me


My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.