@JamieGreenlees

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

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@FeelingEuphoric

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

@rickolantern

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

@BuckyIsotope

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

@Sassafrantz

He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.

@Parentpains

Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*

@ThugRaccoons

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

@croninwhocares

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

@daddydoubts

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

@nbadag

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

@dadmann_walking

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.