I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
You Might Also Like
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*