I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
You Might Also Like
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
dutch is not a serious language
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
can you read it!!??
maan!
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?