[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
stop
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.