I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
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BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.