I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

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Leave it to the idiot hippys to adopt a “holiday” on Hitler’s Birthday. Merica.


i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it


Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*


ME: can we pull over and get mcdonalds im hungry
KIDNAPPER: omg shut up


Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….


Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.


Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…


Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!


Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.


I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.