I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
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Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.