@Severnjaca

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

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@Lord_Voldemort7

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

@whatmaddness

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

@junejuly12

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

@SortaBad

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

@koalaslament

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.