I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.