I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

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Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.


The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.


When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.


Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*


My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster


Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.