Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
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The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.