[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
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our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday