@That_Damn_Duck

I don’t have a mental problem, I have mental problems…plural.

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@tjalamont

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

@TheBoydP

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

@djdarrellripley

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

@SondraDeeMe

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

@NYC_Blonde

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

@cambuslad

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

@jonnysun

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop