What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing