finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I don’t have a mental problem, I have mental problems…plural.
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Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
A hug is basically a mini hostage situation.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
[entire audience starts laughig]
[audience laughs louder]