@KenJennings

“I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus

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@Bob_Heller

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

@NewDadNotes

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

@longwall26

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

@Fred_Delicious

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

@MeetingBoy

When I asked for screenshots, I meant using the PRT SCR button, not shaky pictures of the screen with your phone, you idiot.

@lmegordon

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

@handsock_butts

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

@ferranticathy

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”