I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

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I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.


Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.


Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.


[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]


A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.


Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.


[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*


Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.


I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.


I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.