I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
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DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.