I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.