@Darlainky

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

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@surrealvehicle

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

@Cpin42

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

@crunchenhanced

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

@LoriLuvsShoes

A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”

@LeahPeah4

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@jakob_huber

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.