ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
You Might Also Like
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.